"Vampire Brat"
Scene 1 - Park Bench - Mummy's Boy and Faye DeWaye are having a talk.
Faye: But it's so difficult for me, can't you understand?
Mummy's Boy: Well, it's just that -
Faye: Just admit it!
Mummy's Boy: Admit what?
Faye: Your mother doesn't like me does she?
Mummy's Boy: Of course she does! It's just that -
Faye: Make a decision, it's either her or me.
Mummy's Boy: Oh dear, oh my. Faye you make it so difficult for me, can't you understand, I -
Seabury: (suddenly appearing) Give me 5 drachmas.
Mummy's Boy: What?
Seabury: Give me 5 drachmas.
Mummy's Boy: What for?
Faye: Sweeties probably.
Seabury: For protection.
Mu
Artless Criminals - script by Granitoons, literature
Literature
Artless Criminals - script
Snide and Snout steal a painting as it is to be packaged up and removed from the Louvre. They then telephone their contact, Hilaire Peurott (Hercule Poirot parody) who is a crooked detective, to tell him they will meet him in Venice to hand over said painting. The French police (Clouseau references) hear of the theft and pick up some clues* leading them to the Orient Express. Snide and Snout steal a young couples' tickets in order to get on the train forcing them to get new ones. Peurott and his clueless friend Captain Hasty, catch the train halfway down the line, Peurott not trusting the crooks and so altering the pick-up point without telli
The Pryce of Sickness - script by Granitoons, literature
Literature
The Pryce of Sickness - script
'The Pryce of Sickness'
Establishing shot of the Pryce household exterior.
Scene 1- Inside, front doorway - Baxter is sorting through the mail.
BAXTER: Bills, bills. Bills. Free suppository sample (sneakily hides it in his pocket) More bills. Oh wow! A tax demand! I haven't got one of them. I must frame it.
OSCAR: 'Ow do?
BAXTER: AGH! Don't sneak up on me like that you lanky streak o' piss.
OSCAR: I know - you've gotta watch the old ticker haven't you?
BAXTER: Highly amusing. What's that?
OSCAR: A ticker? Well, it's a colloquial term for
BAXTER: Not your inane ramblings - this thing in my hand?
OSCAR: (looks at it) Looks at it.
Operation: Birthday - script by Granitoons, literature
Literature
Operation: Birthday - script
Operation: Birthday
Sergeant Hawks in his office reading his mail. He looks through a couple of birthday cards with a touched yet wistful air. He then reads memo which says
MILITARY POLICE UNIT TO BE INSTALLED IN S.P.A.C.E. CORPS. AS OF TODAY INST.
TO SUMMON MPs, WHISTLE SHARPLY AND CLEARLY FOR THREE SOLID SECONDS.
Sergeant Oh great
Sergeant Hawks storms into the laboratory/workroom and begins making an itinerary of the laser guns etc.
Professor You don't look quite the ticket, Sarge.
Sergeant Stop that Sarge nonsense I might well not look 'quite the ticket' as you put it. I've just read a notice that The Chief's installin
Top-Billin' Villain - script by Granitoons, literature
Literature
Top-Billin' Villain - script
Top-Billin' Villain
Cedric Snide and AstroCat are looking at the rota. Lt. Ashlyn, Little Jimmy and Arthur Snout stand by.
Snide Not again! I'm fed up with this! Look at this rota.
AstroCat Seems fine to me, citizen.
Snide To YOU maybe, but me?! Look here - Cedric Snide Villain, AstroCat Hero, Cedric Snide Villain, AstroCat Hero, Villlan, villain, villain, hero, hero HERO! And I'm sick of it!
AstroCat But sir, you make an excellent villain!
Jimmy And we all know AstroCat's a hero!
Snide Well NOT any more! This time I'M going to be the hero and YOU can be the villain!
AstroCat Well, a change is as good as a
Police and Thank-You script by Granitoons, literature
Literature
Police and Thank-You script
Police and Thank-You
May and June are questioning a young boy with a lollipop as if he were a dangerous criminal. A real crook is right behind them snickering. April is asleep in the police car.
Chief Inspector (over radio) Chief Inspector calling Officer April in car 13. Chief Inspector calling Officer April in car 13, please respond. Officer April? ?Officer Aprilllll!!! ? ..WAKE UP Y'LOAFER!
April wakes up and picks up the mic.
April Officer April reporting for duty sir!
Chief Inspector We-elll! So glad you could join us. Be on the look-out for Preston O'Change the master criminal.
April Right sah!
Chief Inspector He
Out of Charm's Way - script by Granitoons, literature
Literature
Out of Charm's Way - script
Out Of Charm's Way
Sir Lustalot is riding to Taffy's cave.
NARRATOR: Once apon a tyme in daze of yore, there was the wickedest of knights who foresaw
Sir L: I'll be king of this land if the princess I marry, so off I go to seek aid from her pally! Hahahahahaha!
He arrives at Taffy's cave. Inside, Taffy is watching ye telly. There is a knock at the door.
Taffy: Oh boy, someone a the door is it? Right in the middle of Coronations Street.
Outside, Sir Lustalot is bashong on the door very hard.
Sir L: Come on! Come ON! OPEN UP ALREADY! Open this door of I'll break it in!
Opening the door, Sir L. continues to knock on Taffy's head.
Taf
Mistletoe and Whine - script by Granitoons, literature
Literature
Mistletoe and Whine - script
"Mistletoe & Whine"
Iceland or Greenland or the North Pole or wherever Santa Claus is supposed to live. Santa is checking his list. Elves etc. in the background.
Mrs. Claus Have you made a list dear?
Santa Yes and I'm checking it twice.
Mrs. Claus Finding out who's been naughty and nice eh?
Santa Ho ho ho! That's right! Only just started really, I'm only about halfway through the 'A's just now. Ho ho ho! We'll she'll be getting flip-all this year!
Close-up of his list. It shows April's name with 'NAUGHTY' written next to it. Cut to April herself looking intense close-up.
April Die, die c'mon DIE!
May and June are putting up deco
Cops, Dames and Doity Games by Granitoons, literature
Literature
Cops, Dames and Doity Games
"Cops, Dames & Doity Games"
Stan (VO) It had been a long hard day. I'd just polished of my 13th bottle of Bourbon and was about ready for breakfast. It was 7pm. I'm a late riser. Then she walked in. My colleague in detection. She was a broad.
Hot Dog No I got back just last week.
Stan (VO) She was a joker too. I was happy to see the crazy dame.
Hot Dog Here's your breakfast.
Stan Thanks. (VO) My stomach was empty. But if things didn't pick up soon my bank balance would go the same way. Then the 'phone rang.
The 'phone rings.
Hot Dog How did you know that was going to happen?
Stan Detective's intuition. Answer it for me, shweetheart